The Talk
by Delu
Summary: Tom sits Harry down to give him The Talk. Needless to say, some funny convo. ensues. OneShot, Slash if you squint.


**A/N:** Quick little plotlet that popped into my head. Set in an AU, though no story written.  
**P.S.:** Severus is Harry's father, James is dead in the attack that should have killed both him and Lily, yet Lily is alive, kicking, and now married to Snape. Capice?

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**Word Count:** 1261

**Knowing the Enemy**

**The Talk**

A thirteen year old walked through his Manor, his home, with a vague sense of boredom. Draco was away with his parents - traveling to Paris, Harry believed he had said - and so his company was out of the question. Nagini was off hunting with Adonis, so they were out too. He sighed as he looked out of a window; he wished that he could go outside, just walk around in the sun.

But no, it was far too dangerous. He knew it. Especially with Tom's power being recognized more and more. The Death Eaters were re-recruiting, old loyalists banning up together again. Dumbledore was at his meddling once more, especially since Black had escaped last year. Ugh, Black; mother would make him write a letter to him soon. Otherwise the "evil serial murderer" (_More like simpering puppy,_ Harry thought) would try and go to Surrey, which was certainly out of the question.

Damn. This day was not going well. He nearly jumped his skin when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Wait, there were only two people who could get that close to him without knowing and one was in Paris . . .

"Tom! I though you wouldn't be back for another few weeks?" Harry wasted no time in throwing his arms around the other male. After all, Tom was usually gone for the beginning part of the summer; Harry didn't see him until around his birthday. This day was looking up already. The older man hugged him back, arms wrapped around him tightly.

"I wasn't supposed to be, but I had a stroke of luck and my business there was done quickly. Now, I may be a Dark Lord, but I still have to breathe." Harry loosened his grip on Tom with a sheepish smile. Well it wasn't everyday that his - his what? friend? Harry wasn't really sure what exactly Tom was to him - came back early from a business trip. "Well then, what do you say to tea in my study, Harry?"

Harry nodded with a smile lighting up his face.

-V-

"Harry, I think we should talk," was the first thing out of Tom's mouth after a house elf brought up the tea.

Harry cocked his head to the side in askance. Tom usually didn't "talk" about anything with Harry; or, at least, not like this. He wouldn't actually say that he wanted to talk, just start talking. Something was up, Harry's Slytherin side was sure.

"Talk about what, Tom?" He asked. He would get as much out of him before they "talked" as he could.

The Dark Lord made a sound in the back of his throat, trying to think about how he'd phrase this. Merlin, where was Severus when you needed him? A crude picture came to mind involving the Potions Master, Lily, and a can of whip cream. He shook his head; he did not need that thought.

"Tom?"

"Harry," he said, "have you ever heard the phrase, 'the birds and the bees'?" _There, that should do it_, he thought with a smirk. His smirk disappeared when Harry frowned at him. Then he shook his head. Then it dawned on him and he felt like hitting himself. It was a muggle phrase, no wonder he didn't know. And he doubted that Lily had ever had this conversation with him . . . or made any kind of vague reference to it. He sighed.

"Should I? I mean, I know that they're birds and insects but . . ." he looked at Tom, "I have a feeling that's not what you mean."

Harry was confused. Well, confused was an understatement, really. He usually knew what Tom was thinking or feeling, a side-effect of his father's training him in Occlumency, but now he wasn't so sure. What was going on? So, he asked.

"What are the birds and the bees, Tom?"

_Oops, guess that wasn't exactly right._

The tips of the Dark Lord's ears and the high of his cheek bones became a delightful shade of pink, showing Harry that he was flustered about something. What that something was, Harry still wasn't sure. What could get Tom so riled up? The man hardly showed any emotions - well, any emotions like this. There was happiness, frustration, calculation, and a few others, but nothing like this.

"The birds and the bees are . . . hm . . . " Tom trailed off, still not knowing how _exactly_ to phrase this whole conversation. He wished Lucius was here to bear threw this with him; surely the man had already given Draco "The Talk," right? Oh, blast it all. He glanced up and found expectant green eyes waiting for him to continue. "Oh, fine. I'll just get on with it then."

"Good, now maybe I won't be so confused . . . " Harry muttered to himself, trying to hide his smirk behind his innocent mask when Tom heard him and glared.

"Well, now that you've gotten older you will be . . . experiencing some . . . _things,"_ he said with obvious embarrassment. He had not expected to have this talk with Harry, it should have been his parents doing it! The crude picture came up again and he felt himself turning green.

"Tom, are you all right?" Harry asked, concern hinting his voice. Tom merely waved his hand and nodded his head. "Okay, so what kind of _things_ are you talking about?"

"Certain, hm, things." Harry gave him a pointed look. "Dreams being one of them." He gave a tight lipped smile, secretly pleading for someone to pop in and tell him something or another. Anything to save him from this.

"Tom, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've been having dreams for years now," Harry said, giving the Dark Lord a queer look, as if questioning his sanity (or lack thereof). The crimson eyed man just glared.

"No. Not _just_ dreams, but - erm, _certain _dreams."

"About what, exactly? Flying a hippogriff?" He smirked. Tom glared.

"Enough with the sarcasm. You've been spending far too much time with your father." He took a deep breath, trying (and failing) to somewhat compose himself. _I'm just going to skip to the important part. He can figure the others out on his own. Brat_. "Okay, so. When a man loves a woman they marry, yes?" Harry nodded hesitantly. "And when they want to show how much the two love each other they . . . well, they have erm - sex. And if all goes - hm, well, then a child is born nine months later," he rushed. Merlin, this _was_ embarrassing.

Harry blinked.

Tom blinked.

"What if they don't want a child?" Harry asked cautiously. This was all new territory to him.

"Right. Well, there are several potions and spells one can use, and of course, the muggle way." Yes, he was almost done with it!

"Muggle way?"

Damn.

"Either the woman can take a pill or," great, how was he supposed to phrase _this_? "The man can use a condom." Harry gave him the expression _'Condom_?' Double damn. "It's a erm, plastic balloon like thing that goes on the . . . a man's . . . Merlin, Harry! Just use a bloody potion, all right?" He said, in deep frustration and a flushed face. He was never having this talk again.

"Okay, okay," Harry said, nodding his head; his face still held a somewhat curious expression. Tom sighed.

"Any questions?" He dreaded the answer.

"Um . . . well, what was that phrase you used earlier?"

"The birds and the bees," where in Merlin's name was the boy going with this?

"Well, then. What about the bees and the bees?"

Oh, bloody hell.

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For every review not left another Harry goes and hooks up with Ginny. You know it's just plain wrong. Review.


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